You work out of a Hotel?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
