I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
