Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
