I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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