Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
