im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Randomize
