Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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