Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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