She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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