So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize