would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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