Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
