I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
