If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
