im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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