So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
