I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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