woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
