who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
