Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
