this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
