She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
