Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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