hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
