too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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