you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
