Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
love makes seman taste better
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
