Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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