My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
