I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
