It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
