What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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