I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
