I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
