Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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