highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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