How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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