508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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