i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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