something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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