I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
