Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
