I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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