I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
