Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
