It's a beautiful day for a hangover
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize