Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
