The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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