chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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