so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
