Your face is a jimmy john
just come out here and I will go home with you...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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