Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
