If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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