just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
