she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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