When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
