Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
