I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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