I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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