And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I am naked and annoyed.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
