I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
