dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Less talking, more tequila
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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