Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
