I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
